经典部分整理

Children should be taught to question everything.

In fact, there's just enough, did you know that? There's just enough bullshit to hold things together in this country. Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation.

Where would we be without our safe, familiar, American bullshit. Land of the free. Home of the brave.The American dream. All men are equal. Justice is blind. The press is free. Your vote counts. Business is honest. The good guys win. The police are on your side. God is watching you. Your standard of living will never decline. And everything is gonna be just fine.

The official national bullshit story. I call it the American okie-doke.（美国催眠）

Every one, every one of those items is provably untrue at one level or another, but we believe them because they're pounded into our heads from the time we're children.

That's what they do with that kind of thing, pound it into the heads of kids, because they know that children are much too young to be able to muster an intellectual defenseagainst a sophisticated idea like that.

And they know that up to a certain age, children believe everything their parents tell them, and as a result, they never learn to question things.

Nobody questions things in this country anymore. Nobody questions anything. Everybody is too fat and happy.

Everybody has got a cell phone thatwill make pancakes and rub their balls now.Nobody wants to rock the boat.

Americans have been silenced bought off and silenced by gizmos and toys, and result no one’s ever learned to question things.

You remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douche bag. You remember her?

Barbara Bush. She is the mother of Governor George Bush. I call him Governor Bush because that's the only elected office he ever held legally in our country, okay.

George Bush, Governor Bush.

I don't care where they hang his portrait. I don't care how big his library is. He'll always be Governor Bush.

I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore. So she's the mother of Governor George Bush. She's also the wife of his father, George H. W. Bush who did become president in the normal, legal, traditional manner. And when he did, she came along for the ride as first lady, and that's been the tradition up 'til now.

A man has been elected and the woman has come along for the ride as the first lady.

And usually, as in American life in general, the woman is condescended to, patronized, given something to do to keep her busy.

A lot of times they give her a charity or a cause, something she can champion. Betty Ford was told to drink. Remember that?

Yeah, that was Betty Ford's assignment.

"Betty, you get drunk and get totally falling down, fucked-up, shit-faced drunk, okay? You just get fucked up drunk, and we'll hose you down, baby. We'll hose you down.

We'll put you in a facility, you'll get sober, and then we'll put your name on the facility. Liza Minnelli can get sober, and everything is going to be okay." That was her assignment.

Barbara Bush's assignment was getting children to read.

Remember that? Getting children to read.

They figured she had so much success with George. That she would be a natural to get children to read, which misses the point completely. Not important to get children to read.

Children who want to read are gonna read. Kids who want to learn to read are gonna learn to read.

Much more important to teach children to question what they read. Children should be taught to question everything.

To question everything they read, everything they hear. Children should be taught to question authority.

Parents never teach their children to question authority because parents are authority figures themselves, and they don't want to undermine their own bullshit inside the household.

So they stroke the kid and the kid strokes them, and they all stroke each other, all grow up all fucked up, and they come to shows like this.

Kids have to be warned that there's bullshit coming down the road. That's the biggest thing you can do for a kid.

Tell them what life in this country is about.It's about a whole lot of bullshit that needs to be detected and avoided.

That's the best thing you can do. No one told me.

No one told me a thing like that.

I was never warned about any of this.

Ihad to find all of it out for myself.

And there are still, as with you probably, a lot of things that you're expected to believe and accept in America that I personally have a problem with, and I question a lot of these things.

I could never understand ethnic or national pride

I'll give you an example.

I saw a slogan on a guy's car that said "Proud to be an American."

And I thought, well, what the fuck does that mean? Proud to be an American.

You see, I've never understood national pride. I've never understood ethnic pride.

Because I'm Irish, and all four of my grandparents were born in Ireland, so I'm fully Irish.

And when I was a kid I would go to the St. Patrick's Dayparade, and I noticed they sold a button that said "Proud to be Irish." And I could never understand that because I knew that on Columbus Day they sold a different button that said "Proud to be Italian."

Then came black pride and Puerto Rican pride.

And I could never understand ethnic or national pride, because to me pride should be reserved for something you achieve or attain on your own, not something that happens by accident of birth.

Being Irish isn't a skill. It's a fucking genetic accident. You wouldn't say "I'm proud to be 5'11". I'm proud to have a predisposition for colon cancer.

So why the fuck would you be proud to be Irish or proud to be Italian or American or anything?

Hey, if you're happy with it, that's fine. Do that. Put that on your car. "Happy to be an American." Be happy. Don't be proud. Too much pride as it is.

Pride goeth before a fall. Never forget Proverbs, okay.

Now, here's another slogan-here's another slogan you run into all the time.

"God bless America."

Once again, respectfully, I say to myself, "What the fuck does that mean?"

God bless America. Is that a request?

Is that a demand? Is that a suggestion?

Politicians say it at the end of every speech as if it were some sort of verbal tick that they can't get rid of.

"God bless you and God bless America. God bless you and God bless America."

I guess they figure if they leave it out, someone is gonna think they're bad Americans.

Let me tell you a little secret about God, folks. God doesn't give a flying fuck about America, okay.

He doesn't care. He never cared about this country. He never has. He never will. He doesn't care about this country, any more than he cares about Mongolia, Transylvania, Pittsburgh, the Suez Canal or the North Pole.

He simply doesn't care, okay. He doesn't care.

There are 200 countries in the world now. Do these people honestly think that. God is sitting around picking out his favorites?

Why would he do that? Why would God have a favorite country? And why would it be America out of all the countries?

Because we have the most money? Because he likes our National Anthem?

Maybe it's because he heard we have 18 delicious flavors of classic Rice-A-Roni.

It's delusional thinking. It's delusional thinking, and Americans are not alone with these sort of delusions.

Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed, dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side.

America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody is gonna be disappointed. Somebody is wasting their fucking time.

Could it be everyone? Now, if people want to say God bless America that's their business. I don't care. But here's what I don't understand. If they say God bless America, presumably they believe in God, and if they do, they must have heard God loved everyone.

That's what he said. He loved everyone, and he loved them equally.

So why would these people ask God to do something that went against his own teachings?

You know what these God bless America people ought to do?

They ought to check with that Jesus fellow they're so crazy about.

They're always talking about what would Jesus do, what would Jesus do.

They don't want to know so they can do it.

They just want to know so they could tell other people to do it.

Well, I'll tell you what Jesus would have done. I'll tell you what Jesus would have done.

He would have got up on the top of the Empire State Building and said, "God bless everyone around the world, forever and ever, until the end of time."

That's what Jesus would have done, and that's what these people should do, or else they should admit that God bless America is really just some sort of an empty slogan with no real meaning except for something vague like good luck.

Good luck, America. You're on your own.

Which is a little bit closer to the truth.

Hats optional

Here's a civic custom that I don't understand. Maybe you can help me.

Taking off your hat when a flag passes by or when some jack-off at the ballpark starts singing the National Anthem.

They tell you to take off the hat. What the fuck does a hat have to do with being patriotic?

What possible relationship exists between the uncovered head and a feeling that ought to live in your heart?

Suppose you have a red, white and blue hat. Suppose you have a hat made out of a flag.

Why would you take it off to honor the flag?

Wouldn't you leave it on and point it toward the flag?

And what's so bad about hats that you have to take them off?

Why not take off your pants or your shoes? They tell you that at the airport.

They say take off your shoes. They tell you it's national security, so taking off your shoes could be patriotic too.

I started to question all of this stupid hat shit when I was a kid. When I was a kid I was a Catholic, at least until I reached the age of reason, okay.

So I was a Catholic for about two, two and a half years, something like that. And during that time one of the things they told us was that if a boy or a man went into a church, he had to remove his hat in order to honor the presence of God. But they had already told me that God was everywhere.

So I used to wonder, well, if God is everywhere, why would you even own a hat?

Why not show your respect, don't even buy a fucking hat. And just to confuse things further they told the women exactly the opposite.

Catholic women and girls had to cover their heads when they went into church. Same as in certain temples.

Jewish men have to cover their heads in those temples. In those same temples Jewish women not allowed to cover their heads.

So try to figure this shit out.

Catholic men and Jewish women, no hats. Catholic women and Jewish men, hats.

Somebody's got the whole thing totally fucking backward, don't you think? And what is this religious fascination with headgear?

Every religion has got a different fucking hat. Did you ever notice that? The Hindus have a turban.

The Sikhs have a tall, white turban. Jews have yarmulke. The Muslims have a kufi. The Bishop has a pointy hat on one day and a round hat on another day. Cardinal has a red hat, Pope has a white. Everybody's got a fucking hat. One group takes them off; the other group puts them on.

Personally, I would never want to be a member of any group where you either have to wear a hat or you can't wear a hat.

I think all religions should have one rule and one rule only: hats optional.

That's all you need to run a really good religion.

Swearing on the Bible

Here's another one of these civic customs. Swearing on the Bible.

Do you understand that shit? They tell you to raise your right hand and place your left hand on the Bible. Does this stuff really matter which hand? Does God really give a fuck about details like this?

Suppose you put your right hand on the Bible and you raise your left hand, would that count? Or would God say, "Sorry. Wrong hand. Try again."

And why does one hand have to be raised? What is the magic in this gesture? This seems like some sort of a primitive, Voodoo, Mojo shtick.

Why not put your left hand on the Bible and let your right hand hang down by your side?

It's more natural. Or put it in your pocket.

Remember what your mother used to say? Don't put your hands in your pockets. Does she know something that we don't know?

Is this hand shit really important?

Well, let's get back to the Bible, America's favorite national theatrical prop.

Suppose the Bible they hand you to swear on is upside down or backward or both, and you swear to tell the truth an upside down, backward Bible. Would that count? Suppose the Bible they hand you is an old Bible and half the pages are missing. Suppose all they have is a Chinese Bible in an American court, or a Braille Bible, and you're not blind. Suppose they hand you an upside down, backward Chinese Braille Bible with half the pages missing?

At what point does all of this stuff just break down and become just a lot of stupid shit that somebody made up?

They fucking made it up, folks. It's make-believe. It's make-believe. Now, all right. Okay. Let's leave the Bible aside. We'll get back to the science fiction reading later.

The more important question is what is the big deal about swearing to God in the first place? Why does swearing to God mean you're going to tell the truth?

It wouldn't affect me.

If they said, "You swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

I'd say yeah.

I'll tell you about as much truth as the people who wrote that fucking Bible.

How do you like that, huh? Huh?

Swearing on the Bible doesn't mean anything. It's kid swearing to God is kid stuff. Did you ever remember when you were a kid, if you told another kid something he didn't quite believe he'd say, "You swear to God?"

I would always say, "Yeah, I swear to God," even if I was lying.

Why not? What's gonna happen if I lie?

Nothing.

Nothing happens if you lie, unless you get caught, and that's a whole different story.

Sometimes that kid would think he was being slick with me and he'd say,“You swear on your mother's grave?"

I'd say, "Yeah, why not?"

First of all, my mother was alive. She didn't have a grave. Second of all, even if she was dead, what's she gonna do, rise from the grave and come and haunt me?

Come and haunt me all because I told a lie to an 8-year-old? Get fucking real, will you?

Sometimes I would say, "I swear on my mother's tits."

Kids are impressed with things like that. I mean, I don't care about my mother's tits either. I didn't care if they fell off. Fuck her. Not my problem.

They're your tits, ma. You keep an eye on them.

Swearing to God doesn't mean anything. Swearing on the Bible doesn't mean anything.

You know why?

Because Bible or no Bible, God or no God,

if it suits their purposes, people are gonna lie in court.

The police do it all the time, all the time.

Yes, they do.

It's part of their job to protect, to serve and to commit perjury whenever it supports the state's case.

Swearing on the Bible is just one more way of controlling people and keeping them in line, and it's one more thing that holds us back as a species.

Rights

Here's one more item for you, the last in our civics book: rights. Boy, everyone in this country is always running around, yammering about their fucking rights. I have a right. You have no right. We have a right.

They don't a have right.

Folks, I hate to spoil your fun but there's no such thing as rights, okay.

They're imaginary. We made them up, like the Boogie Man, the Three Little Pigs, Pinocchio, Mother Goose, shit like that. Rights are an idea. They're just imaginary.

They're a cute idea. Cute but that's all. Cute and fictional.

But if you think you do have rights let me ask you this, where do they come from?

People say, "Well, they come from God. They're God-given rights."

Oh, fuck, here we go again. Here we go again.

The God excuse.

The last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument,“They came from God."

Anything we can't describe must have come from God.

Personally, folks, I believe that if your rights came from God, he would have given you the right to some food everyday, and he would have given you the right to a roof over your head.

God would have been looking out for you. God would have been looking out for you, you know that?

He wouldn't have been worrying about making sure you have a gun so you can get drunk on Sunday night and kill your girlfriend's parents.

But let's say it's true. Let's say God gave us these rights.

Why would he give us a certain number of rights?

The Bill of Rights in this country has ten stipulations, okay.

Ten rights.

And apparently God was doing sloppy work that week because we've had to amend the Bill of Rights an additional 17 times, so God forgot a couple of things like slavery.

Just fucking slipped his mind.

But let's say God gave us the original ten. He gave the British 13. The British Bill of Rights has 13 stipulations. The Germans have 29. The Belgians have 25. The Swedish have only 6.

And some people in the world have no rights at all.

What kind of a fucking, goddamn, God-giving deal is that?

No rights at all?

Why would God give different people in different countries different numbers of different rights?

Boredom?

Amusement?

Bad arithmetic?

Do we find out at long last after all this timethat God is weak in math skills?

Doesn't sound like divine planning to me. Sounds more like human planning. Sounds more like one group trying to control another group.

In other words, business as usual in America.

Now, if you think you do have rights, one last assignment for you. Next time you're at he computer get on the internet.

Go to Wikipedia.

When you get to Wikipedia, in the search field for Wikipedia, I want you to type in Japanese Americans 1942, and you'll find out all about your precious fucking rights, okay.

All right. You know about it.

You know about it.

Yeah.

In1942, there were 110,000 Japanese-American citizens in good standing, law-abiding people, who were thrown into internment camps simply because their parents were born in the wrong country. That's all they did wrong.

They had no right to a lawyer, no right to a fair trial, no right to a jury of their peers.

No right to due process of any kind.

The only right they had?

Right this way into the interment camps.

Just when these American citizens needed their rights the most, their government took them away, and rights aren't rights if someone can take them away.

They're privileges. That's all we've ever had in this country is a bill of temporary privileges.

And if you read the news even badly you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter and shorter.

You see how silly that is.

Yeah.

Sooner or later the people in this country are going to realize the government does not give a fuck about them.

The government doesn't care about you or your children or your rights or your welfare or your safety.

It simply doesn't give a fuck about you. It's interested in its own power.

That's the only thing keeping it and expanding it wherever possible.

Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true.

I think either we have unlimited rights or we have no rights at all.

Personally I lean toward unlimited rights. I feel, for instance, I have the right to do anything I please.

But if I do something you don't like,

I think you have the right to kill me.

So where are you going to find a fairer fucking deal than that?

So the next time some asshole says to you,

I have a right to my opinion,"you say,"Oh yeah?

Well I have a right to my opinion,

and my opinion is you have no right to your opinion."

Then shoot the fuck and walk away.